Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I am NOT Bald!

     We have a running controversy in our household. For some strange reason, B has developed this crazy theory -- based on false assumptions, unsubstantiated observations and non-peer-reviewed research -- that I am getting bald.

     I mean, it's just so obvious that she's wrong. I look in the mirror and what do I see? Hair! And if I look in the mirror, quickly, right after I get out of the shower and it's still wet, the hair doesn't even look all that gray. In fact, it looks pretty dark.

     Okay, after my hair gets dry, I'll admit, it's pretty gray. Even white. It's hard to tell. So let's just call it . . . silver.

     But there's still plenty of it, at least when I look at it from the front.

     There is one thing that puzzles me though. My forehead is bigger than it used to be. I figure it must be an optical illusion.

     When I went to the dermatologist last week, I noticed a brochure about frown marks. The cover of the brochure showed three women, one with mild frown marks, another with moderate frown marks, and still another with severe frown marks. Well, as soon as I saw that I had to inspect myself in the mirror. And I noticed, I don't have any frown marks at all! Instead, I have horizontal lines going across my face, right above my eyebrows. Which, obviously, make my forehead look higher than it did before.

     Nevertheless, B still insists that I'm going bald. And aside from the fact that she's obviously wrong -- delusional I would say -- what really bothers me about the situation is that she seems to derive some pleasure from her perception that I'm losing my hair.

     Now, like I said, I am not losing any hair. But just suppose I was -- I know it happens to some men. Why would that make her smile? Why would that make her laugh? I just don't get it. She thinks it's funny when we go outdoors in the summer, and she insists on rubbing suntan lotion over the top of my head. I mean, why is she doing that? It makes my hair all greasy. And, what? Does she think my hair is going to get sunburned?

     It's true that the sun can bleach your hair. I guess that's the real reason why my hair is turning lighter in color. Which means . . . I'm not going gray, I'm just sun-bleached.

     Anyway, in a recent post I described how I have gone to the doctor way too many times this year. And, now I'm beginning to think it's because doctors don't know what they're doing. As I said, I recently went to the dermatologist, for a growth on my back which he took care of, no problem. But then, toward the end of the session, he was standing behind me when he gently pulled my head back, saying he wanted to check my scalp while he was at it.

     What, is this guy some kind of phrenologist? I wondered. Feeling my head to see if I'm a criminal, or to diagnose some mental malfunction because I have a bump here or a dent there? I shifted my eyes up, trying to see what he was doing. "What do you need to look at my head for?" I challenged.

     "Not to worry," he said. "I'm just checking your bald spot."


DJan said...

Now that's funny, Tom. Made me smile to think of your male pattern baldness. At least you don't have a ponytail to make it even more obvious. I think bald men are sexy, BTW. :-)

Stephen Hayes said...

As I age, I'm growing lots of hair. It just isn't on my head.

Mona McGinnis said...

Gray, or chromed? Like Stephen, I am growing hair and not on my head! The hair on my head seems to be migrating to my chin.

Olga Hebert said...

As they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Very funny post! You are not losing a sense of humor along with the hair you are not losing.

Anonymous said...

Ah, well, at least the dermatologist didn't find skin cancer on top of your scalp.

Anonymous said...

When I mention to my husband that he's going bald, his response is: "Yeah, but I have hair everyplace else". And he's right! He even has hair growing out of his ears.

Tom Sightings said...

Well, for me one thing hasn't changed since I was in my 20s -- I still can't grow much in the way of facial hair.

Jono said...

The first time my head got sunburned was when I was 27. I couldn't believe it, but I have adapted. Now I know a lot of bald jokes.

Anonymous said...

Great posting, Tom! Hunky Husband didn't realize how sparse the hair on the crown of his head has become until he saw a photo of him that I had taken about four years previously - from a viewpoint above and behind his head (the photo was supposed to be of our great-grandson, whom HH was holding.) Then...shortly thereafter...his physician removed a pre-cancerous spot from those environs. I feel for him; but, at our ages, I'm just glad that we are still around!
Cop Car
P.S. The fact that we see ourselves in mirrors, usually, from head-on might explain why those with comb-over hairdos don't understand why they don't win approval from the masses.

Barbara said...

Too cute.

A Cuban In London said...

But don't you know that apparently bald men are more interesting, me good ol' fella? That's why I cut off my twists years ago. Not that my wife's changed her mind about my look. She still loves me hair or no hair! :-)

Greetings from London.

Jane said...

Mmhmm... And I am not fat!