Sunday, July 26, 2015

How to Get Fat


     I saw an ad on TV last night promising that I could shed 40 pounds in 40 days. This seems to be a time of year when you see a lot of ads and articles assuring you that you can lose weight, fast and easy, without dieting. (Is there a time of year when there aren't a lot of ads promising that you can lose weight?) I think it might have something to do with fitting into a bikini, not that I personally have ever tried.

     I've lost a little weight in my day. For example, I lost eight pounds after my latest colonoscopy. But my true field of expertise is not losing weight. It's getting fat. I got fat in my 30s, because my wife got pregnant. I got fat in my 40s, because I was middle age. I got fat in my 50s due to my slowing metabolism. Now I've passed the 60 mark, and I'm getting fat because I don't give a damn anymore. You see? I always have an excuse!

     Since I know all about how to get fat, I thought I'd pass on some of my expert advice. Here are five of the fastest ways to pack on the pounds.

     Don't eat breakfast. You'd think if you skip a meal, it would help you lose weight. But it doesn't work that way. Everyone I know who pats themselves on the back for not being hungry in the morning (myself included) ends up with either a pot belly, or a rubber tire worthy of a hybrid car, if not a monster truck. I think it has something to do with balancing things out. If you don't eat in the morning, you implicitly give yourself permission to stuff your face at 10 p.m., just before you go to bed.

     Drink diet sodas. I don't know why – they only have 1 calorie, or sometimes no calories. But drinking diet soda conclusively and inevitably leads to gaining weight. It's not just what you consume along with the diet soda (for surely you've seen the person at the fast-food place with a double cheeseburger, french fries, a sticky dessert ... and a diet cola. Yes, that was me!). I don't know exactly how diet sodas add on pounds; I just know that they do. They must stimulate something in the sugar part of your brain that goes unfulfilled with the diet drink, and so you subconsciously make up your sugar quotient with more pie, or more whipped cream with your pie. In any case, whatever you do, if you're trying to gain weight, do not drink water. Water is just empty calories!

     Take full advantage of your spouse. When you're sitting on the couch watching TV – by the way, watching TV, playing video games and sitting in front of your computer are all fully approved activities for the aspiring fat person -- and want a snack from the kitchen, do not trouble yourself by giving up your comfortable seating arrangement and walking into the kitchen. Instead, call out to your spouse. Or a kid will do, if there's one around and they'll cooperate. Ask them to get the snack for you, and bring it to you on the couch. By the way, potato chips make an excellent snack, especially of you have dip to go with them.

     Do not own a pet. After all, you might have to change their bowl, clean up after them, take them for a walk, throw a stick for them. All of these activities burn up those precious calories you want to horde in your belly fat. So relax. If you want animal companionship, put up a picture of a pet as the screensaver on your laptop.

     Drive everywhere. You have a car. Why not use it? It's silly to spend 20 minutes walking down to the corner, which might be almost a mile, when you can jump in the car and be there in three minutes. Similarly, when you go to the mall, and have to shop at the two anchor stores at either end of the building, park at one end, and then when you're done there, get back in the car and drive around the mall to the other store. There's no point in walking the whole length of the mall. And by the way, if you have to go from one floor to another, never, ever take the stairs. Use the escalator or elevator. They're there for your convenience.

     I'm sure you know some other ways to gain weight. Drinking beer, for example. Or, as I once did, giving up beer – then making up for that sacrifice by indulging yourself in all the dessert you can eat. You probably have your own guilty pleasure, which is fine ... in moderation, of course!

17 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

I've lost over three hundred pound in my lifetime, not all at the same time of course. But thanks for advice on getting fat. Good to know I've done it correctly.

Janis said...

Lots of great information! I'm afraid (or pleased?) that I do many of the items on your list. I should probably change my ways but old habits die hard, you know. Fortunately, I've managed to keep my weight pretty much in check so far. It has gotten harder every year though and next year I turn 60 so I better get my act together. My husband, on the other hand, can do whatever he wants and doesn't gain an ounce. Life's just not fair.

Janette said...

Janis, we must have married brothers from another mother. My husband weighs just about what he weighed 40 years ago. I took all the weight he should have put on and added it to my weigh just so the weight gods would not harm our house.
Your advice on how to retain that weight will be put on the bulletin board so I can look at it when I need coaching.

DJan said...

You are a very wise man. I know all about every single one of these techniques for gaining weight and have managed to incorporate some of the antithesis techniques to control my weight. As I said, you are wise, Grasshopper. :-)

Anonymous said...

I don't drive but take a public bus and walk all around the place, I do e0mail and use a computer but limit my e-mail and computer stuff, sometimes we watch the hubs and I some good Netflix stuff but not much..I drink water and no diet anything...I am larger than I have been must walk for my type 2 diabetes but I don't eat any junk food and never desert anymore..I am trying to keep my body in shape also do meditation and enjoy early morning long walks and pick up a lady around 89 and we go for coffee and tea at our home and she is delightful..keeps me busy and young..!

Linda Myers said...

Yep. "Eating breakfast is such a pain. I think I'll stop for a triple tall mocha instead."

Terri @ Coloring Outside the Lines said...

Oh my gosh- not eating breakfast- yeah, I used to do that..until I figured out I was doubling down at lunch! LOL!

Steve Finnell said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Olga Hebert said...

If you have a talent or field of expertise, it is always a good thing to share.

Jono said...

You have this down to a science. It is a good science and works the same for me. I have repeated all the above variations and gotten the same results. Just like magic!

Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com said...

Hahahaha! Great advice Tom. I've often wondered about how to gain weight and now you've made it so clear and easy. Now if only the opposite sounds so easy or attractive. And yes, isn't it funny how we can rationalize eating when we do one thing that sorta sounds reasonable, like drinking diet sodas or not eating breakfast. Thanks for a good laugh this morning...hey, I must of burned some calories doing just that so I can eat a big lunch now right? ~Kathy

gigihawaii said...

I weigh a lot and am obese, but I don't really care. Who am I trying to impress by losing weight? The main thing is my lab scores. They are excellent.

Wisewebwoman said...

I see Preacher Steve has cracked your blog wide open too all in the name of the Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper. Praise be the Steves of the world and their cut and paste skills.

I see we read the same instruction book on Fat. I see you ignored the chapter on "sampling" - you know where you take small bits of every dessert on the sweet table as it doesn't count.

XO
WWW

Jane said...

You forgot the salty/sweet thing, where you eat a bunch of salty things, potato chips, for example. Then you need to drink some diet soda because your thirsty. This stimulates you to want something sweet, like chocolate chip cookies. Works like a charm.

Dick Klade said...

Just posted a reminder to be sure to skip Steve Finnell's blog.

Tom Sightings said...

Dick and WWW ... Usually these things get caught by blogger; you'd think messages like that would at least be short!

Our first road trip! said...

You made me laugh! Thanks!